Lucky escape

He nearly had me fooled
I don't know if 'fooled' is to strong a word
But he had me ready to compromise myself.
For what!
A night of lust fuelled sexual intimacy..that ends with his climax, san mine, (get off better by myself), and him scuppering home to his bed as our lives are seperated enough that waking up at the same address on a week night, would be unthinkable.

Let me breakdown the situation:

I met a man a few months ago..whom I began to get to know as a friend. To be honest when I first met him, he wasn't my type at all. I thought he was geeky,not trendy enough, slightly awkward looking even,the way he slouched when he walked,and this smile he had which resembled a smirk
Over the coming weeks, we smoked, we drank,we dined and watched movies..this time in his company caused all his superficial 'faults' to disappear for me, and I just saw him. I liked what I saw. I didn't really know why. I just know I had evenings where I sat on my hands to refrain from touching him in a moment of affection.
This man had me writing poetry and shit...he was the subject for my 'poem a day' blog attack.He inspired me.But he was a dreamer (pros'/cons), had children, no real job or steady income to speak of, he was so different from my usual prospects. I just didn't expect to feel as strongly as I did. That's how I knew it was real.

The night he finally kissed me..I felt faint. The next day... every reminiscent thought back to that night of restrained erotica..had me yearning.This man could make me wet between my thighs from a distance..just by thinking of him.

For the record..I suck at fantasy..I'm more visual..let me see that shit...
But this man had me fantasising

The next night we met...it was on. A good time was had by all.

Than when it get's complicated..unlike that band of woman who leave all feelings at the door when they start fucking someone new. My feelings for him where so close to the surface..that any cool demeanor I might try to portray.... just felt like bs..bs..to myself. I wanted this man.

This man..he wants..well he wants..the freedom to explore any physical, emotional, spirtual relationships he wants,as many as he wants,at any time he wants. No restrictions. And in this passive, 'blink and you miss it' kinda of way he has..he told me so. I had to respect the mans views. It didn't change the way I felt about him..just the type of relationship we could have.

Me

....Me.. I want more. More than that transient 'just for the night' kinda love. That has no responsibilites, no ties, no commitments. I want all of the above and more. I want someone to share my life with, not just my nights..share my good times and bad times. someone I can call if I fall ill in the middle of the night and they'll come round. Hell, they'll already be there. I want an intimate one on one relationship. He wants to be 'fucking' friends.....big shitting difference

I'm fucking devestated ...I'm not even angry at him ..becuase he told me who we was. I should have got all my facts BEFORE I slept with him.Not after the act. At least now we wouldn't be pretending to be 'just friends'..whilst he waits till i'm high enough and it's late enough for him to take advantage of my feelings for him. And me to cause myself great distress by resisting when all I want is to be with him

That right there is torture...self inflicted fucking torture. I feel like I'm caught in a spiders web. I know I need to distance myself from him,but I can't seam to find a reason for it that doesn't make me look like a emotional, insecure woman who can't manage her feelings. what am I supposed to say. "I cant see you..because if I do..and you put it on me..I might just jump on your dick and screw you senseless (except it will feel like we making love, it always does), you will then either leave or if it's a weekend, stay the night before making an early afternoon get way.

I get a night...you get everything.

That shit is fucked up!

A man who makes you feel like your his queen..then tells you he's liable to have many queens. 'Black women have forgotten how to share' he said once..I should have run a three minute mile there and then.

I guess I had a lucky escape last night...I could have compromised myself for a night of hot passionate with the subject of my wet dreams. But I held off against my lust..and held on to myself self respect
And I'm as horny as hell!